To See, To Know, To Believe

What do I see when my stripped down eyes seek yours? I see the Truth reflected in your enduring gaze. That all-knowing reflection does not diminish when my eyes close or when I look away; the Light of Love grows stronger with each glance. Each glance into your baby blues is a breath, a chance, a page, a moment, a step, a journey; I see God, and I see all of you and all of me . . . three. My eyes are flawed, but I see with clarity what I am supposed to see, what I am supposed to know, what I am supposed to believe.

My Patio Vegetable Garden: Day One

From left to right
Kentucky Wonder Green Beans, Roma Tomatoes, and Carnival Mix Bell Peppers

I decided to try the vegetable garden again. I tried planting a garden out in the yard several years ago, but all creatures great and small treated it as their personal buffet. I figure cultivating the vegetables in containers on my deck will help keep those critters from snuffling around looking for a tasty treat (although I have caught a couple of daredevil deer venturing up the steps onto the deck . . . hmmm). I also hope the birds keep away from the seeds because I do not feel like putting netting over them. The packet for the green beans is the only one that mentioned poles, but I put poles in the other containers--just in case. The tomatoes and peppers are supposed to be started indoors in containers. Well, they are in containers, and I guess they will be okay if I put them outside right away. If I have trouble with them, I will start them indoors next time. I helped my mom grow vegetables a long time ago, but it was her green thumb that sprouted all that goodness. I can grow things if I can just remember to water regularly . . . that is my downfall. I will try to be diligent this time!

Once (if) these vegetables start to grow, I will take pictures to mark their progress. I really hope they make it so that I can harvest some delicious, homegrown vegetables! If not, I will try again. I will not post their progress until they are actually growing and it looks like they will make me look like a gardener. This is going to be fun . . . I hope.

Wandering Around on a Blank Page

I have been looking over the things I have written in the last five months since I started blogging, and I am surprised. Oh, I am not surprised really. I guess the things I have reread just makes me wonder where my head is sometimes. I always feel so calm and levelheaded, so . . . nothing. Some things I have blogged about reflect the person I think I am, and some reflect a familiar stranger.

I actually felt the urge to blog this evening, but I did not think I had much to say tonight. I have been reading a lot lately because I have two presentations to maneuver, and I have been feverishly crocheting a baby blanket that is way overdue. I have also been harboring a jolly little secret that I may or may not reveal at some point. It is nothing earthshaking or wow-inducing, but it has been a thought-provoking, interesting, and educational experiment so far.

I have always been very good at keeping secrets, especially other people's secrets. Maybe that is why I have had friends unexpectedly talk into my shoulder. I have often wondered why a friend will occasionally pull me aside to reveal personal classified information. Do I exude a welcoming air that encourages people to spill their beans? I do not mind if I do because I know how necessary it is sometimes to reach out tentatively for that elusive, unconditional ear. I have never resented being a recipient of secrets. I welcome the unburdening of a heavy heart. A friend is not just a noun. I respect the privacy of others, and I respect my own privacy. That is why it has been such a 'surprise' to reread what I have blogged about or that I am blogging at all. I have logged my thoughts in the past, but I have never scattered my thoughts into the wind to float around and settle into the personal space of an unsuspecting audience.

I think this is just the right time in my life to start making at least a dent in that wall. Yes, I do have a wall, but it is not as bulletproof as it has been in the past. I have secrets. Some secrets will always remain in that faraway, forbidden chamber reserved only for the ineffable. Some secrets, however, must not be secrets at all because here they are making themselves comfortable on my blog.

Walking, Waiting, Whispering

Meet me in June on the bench near the olive tree.

If your walk brings you first,
wait for me and whisper my name.
YYY

Writing at the End of the Tunnel

I think I may be over my recent disinterest and sinking enthusiasm for writing school papers. Blogging has helped because it gets my fingers typing and my brain burning. I like to write--there is no question about that. I know I am not that great of a writer, but I do not mind. I can accept my writing as mediocre or unwanted or whatever. Why? Because I do not write to emulate the current literary canon or to please people who are unable to see past their culturally-injected expectations of what is considered 'good' writing. I write for myself, even school papers. I have no problem with people who choose to write within the confines of the acceptable theoretical school of thought merely because it is the 'in' thing to do. That is who they are, and that is respectable. But that is not who I am. I like to avoid lacing my writing with the approved buzzwords or the popular-analytical-theory-of-the-day. I have dabbled in that kind of writing, and it did not work very well for me. I am long over my envy of others who find comfort in that kind of writing--and who excel in that kind of writing. I am not saying I dislike structure or rules in writing. I am in love with proper English grammar, which is nothing but rules. What I dislike is trotting along with the herd coughing up paper after paper after paper that do not reflect me or my interests or my style. I am not a printing press. When I read a book for school knowing I must write a paper, I find something that interests me, and I write about it. Not too complicated, huh? I do not automatically say, "Wow! That is so feminist or postcolonial or . . . " You get the idea. It is okay for people to say this, but I do not say it, and that is okay, too.

Do not misunderstand, gentle reader! I enjoy poring over other people's writing, especially when it is very different than my own. I am fully aware that my writing is not interesting to everyone, and I do not consider my writing to be groundbreaking. On the other hand, I do not feel my writing is tumbled out like so many tins of predictably sweet peaches. When writing school papers, I am okay with having a minority view or even a view that simply skims the surface. I do not always feel the brain busting urge to find the earth's fiery core in everything I read. If a concept, view, or idea smacks me in the face or brushes me softly while I am reading, I grasp it firmly and write about it. I do not hesitate and ask myself, "Does this topic sound safe or acceptable? Will this idea thoroughly impress whoever is lucky enough to read it? Can I fit this topic into a desirable mold and fling it at my professor with confidence?" Oh no, I do not say that. I say, "I like this idea. It may be boring or non-theoretical, but I like it." And sometimes a professor seems to like what I write also--and not always because my papers are grammatically correct. I had a professor write on two of my papers that I am perceptive and that my papers are well written. Encouraging, but I had trouble embracing the compliments (I do not do compliments in general very well).

A few weeks ago I noticed I was the only one in my class who found something positive to write about Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot. Our professor likes to bully us into revealing our thesis that is typically stamped for professor's eyes only. I happily heralded my glass half full thesis, and I was rewarded with odd looks and some snickering. I did see the negative in the play, but I chose to focus on a positive little nugget tucked away amongst the dismal fallout of anti-Christianity and nihilism. Okay? For Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart, I wrote about the very straightforward anthropological topic of rites of passage. Boring? Not to a wannabe anthropologist like me. Like I said, I write about what interests me. This does not mean I am unique or different or special. This means I feel comfortable with my thoughts, ideas, and voice. I like what I write--not because it is brilliant, but because it is mine.

No, I am not necessarily angry about the mainstream school paper mill. No, I did not make a bad grade on a paper. I am slowly realizing that my writing (especially for school) deviates a little bit from the norm. I listen to other people's topics, and I question my own simple or non-conforming ideas. Some people's ideas seem so complicated or deep or theoretical. I do not like questioning my writing or my ability to churn out a 'good' paper. So . . . I have taken a long, critical look at what I write and how I write, and guess what? I like it. All writing has the potential to be good--including mine.

I want to write, and by golly that is exactly what I am going to do!

Travel Companions

Jessica, Ruth, and Lesslie
Life is so much more fun and interesting when you have good friends behind you.

A Little Light Reading

I have read a couple of things in the last few days that have set me to thinking.

This is the season of Lent, and I have been reading a little book my church gave out to help with daily meditation and reflection. Monday's reading (3/9) reflected on Luke 6:36-38. It starts off with, "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." The reflection talks about forgiveness and how we should forgive those just as God does. We should be like Him because we are made in His image. The last paragraph in the little Lent book for that day says, "Believing that we're made in God's image is one thing. Living up to it is another. If I'm not living up to it, maybe I really don't believe I'm made in God's image."

I read this, but I did not start thinking about it until last night when I read something else in a totally different and unrelated book - seemingly unrelated. This book is called Just in Case: how to be self-sufficient when the unexpected happens by Kathy Harrison. This book is essentially about preparedness. The book talks about how to live in your home if you are suddenly off the power grid or how to evacuate quickly, etc. It talks about food storage and various ways to prepare and cook food to sustain you and your family through a disaster or just a simple power failure. The part that got me thinking is when she said we should strive to maintain our health. If our daily lifestyle causes us to be unhealthy, how helpful will we be in a crisis? We cannot avoid all aspects of poor health, but we can control a lot of it. The passage that I found interesting is this: "Avoiding junk in all forms--junk food, junk entertainment, junk acquisitions, and junk relationships--will simplify and destress your life, which is key to maintaining good health."

YYY

What does it mean to me when I hear I am 'made in God's image'? I do not believe it means literally the physical because the human body is so frail and imperfect. The spiritual body? " . . . but, as he who called you is holy, be holy yourselves in every aspect of your conduct, for it is written, Be holy because I am holy." 1 Peter 1:15-16. I am called to be 'like' God . . . not necessarily physically because my body could never keep up, but what about spiritually? I need to work towards making my spiritual body holy just as He is holy. One way I can do this is through my physical actions. Forgiving others as God forgives is a physical step that can lead to spiritual holiness, but what else is my physical and spiritual body capable of doing to help me live up to the belief that I am made in His image?

Through faith, I need to maintain both my physical and spiritual body.
 Most people have at least some knowledge on how to make the body as healthy as possible given whatever limitations we are born with or destined to acquire--even though we often either fail or stumble in our attempts at good health or we do not try at all. But do we know how to make our spiritual body healthy as well?

I am made in the image of God, but what am I doing--physically and spiritually--to live up to that?

YYY

My body, while it lives on this earth, houses my soul, my spirit--the image of God of which I am. My body also houses the Holy Spirit. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore, glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20.

How do I glorify God in my body?

Do I fill my 'body' with junk food, junk entertainment, junk acquisitions, and junk relationships? This junk does not maintain my body, my spirit, my faith. This junk does not maintain my physical body, and it certainly does not maintain my spiritual body that glorifies God and is made in His image! Junk food is easy to identify, but it is not always easy to get rid of. I try, and I do fairly well. Junk entertainment can be tricky. I gave up watching TV shows on a regular basis several years ago. I mostly gave it up because I started college, and studying did not leave room for a weekly commitment to TV. I am very glad I am not addicted to TV--a lot of the 'funny' or 'entertaining' shows are filled with bad jokes, bad writing, and really bad sexual innuendoes. And reality shows are a breeding ground for all of that and more. I neither need nor want these things in my life. I still watch TV, but it is limited to old movies, the History channel, the Weather channel, etc. But there are other forms of entertainment besides TV shows that lure and ensnare the 'body' and, therefore, do not glorify God. Which ones do I participate in?

Junk acquisitions can be tricky to identify also. What do I acquire that does or does not glorify God? Do these 'things' maintain or break down my body, spirit, and faith? Do I have relationships in my life that cause me to lose my way--physically and spiritually? What do I 'do' throughout the day that does or does not glorify God?

YYYYYY

Do the foods I eat build up my body so that I can maintain good health and be available to my loved ones? Does the TV program or movie I watch or book I read build up my spirit or faith or morality? If I read or watch something seemingly 'bad,' can I discover something 'good' in it that could positively affect my spiritual body? Do the 'things' I surround myself with create a healthy atmosphere and an environment filled with love and faith? Do I use Facebook, Twitter, texting, email, and parties or gatherings to maintain positive relationships with friends and family? I want to answer "yes" to all of these questions. If I answer "no" then they are junkyards for my time and energy, and they do not build up my body and spirit and faith. If I answer "no" then they do not help me to live up to the belief that I am made in His image, and they do not help me to glorify God in my body.

Therefore, I must look closely at what I eat, watch, read, and do every day. Some things may need to be eliminated, and some things may need to be adjusted or modified slightly. This is a very tall order, but I think I am up to the challenge. After all, this is the season of Lent.

Lending a Hand

I volunteered to help build a house here in San Antonio, Texas!

Habitat For Humanity. I already knew they are a Christian organization, but I did not know they build houses all over the world. I have always been interested in participating in this project--helping a low-income family by spending a small portion of my time building their home. http://www.habitat.org/

Last Friday, March 6, was my day to spend working on our assigned house. There are several houses being built on that street by other Habitat volunteers. Holy Trinity Catholic Church is assigned to one of those houses. On Friday, our group started on the roof, siding, and other outside stuff. The frame, electrical, plumbing, and slab had already been done by professionals. The volunteers get to do everything else. I am familiar with what goes on in building a house. I helped my parents build our house in Seguin, Texas when I was thirteen--we did almost all the work ourselves. I also watched the building of my current home. The process is not unfamiliar.

For this project, I just helped out where I was needed. I do not necessarily have any special skills, but I did what I could. We all did. I nailed things with a good ol' fashioned hammer--no nail guns for this group. I helped put up fascia. I even got to use a table saw. I was exhausted and dirty by the end of the day, but it was a good feeling.

YYY

Now for the not-so-good part. Yes, I am going to admit this. During the few days leading up to Friday, I just wanted it to be over. It is not that I did not want to help out a low-income family. It is not that I did not want to work hard. Actually, it was like anything else that I schedule myself to do. Whenever I have something planned that is outside my normal schedule, I just want it to be finished so I can go back to my normal schedule. Why is this? I really like doing new and different things, and I am not afraid to work hard or to put myself in new situations. I guess I am just a creature of habit, but I do not really want to be like this.

I suppose this is just one more thing I need to work on. Self-improvement can be so difficult . . . and neverending.

The Story of My Life in One Picture ☺

__________________________________________

South Padre Island, Texas--Summer 1992