Taking Chances - Part Two

What do you see when you look at this picture?

Do you see a famous landmark, a narrow street surrounded by old buildings, or maybe an opportunity to take a chance?

This is another picture from Italy--Florence. Unlike the picture of that mysterious path I wrote about on 1/22 entitled "Taking Chances," I did walk here--with my class as well as by myself.

I call this "taking chances" because I did take a chance. I woke up early one morning and took a walk by myself. This probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was for me. Even with a map I have absolutely no sense of direction. I walked around and tried to look at everything and enjoy the solitude. I was a little nervous that I would get lost, so it wasn't necessarily a relaxing walk. That's okay. It was still a good thing, and I did have fun being in such a great city and wandering its ancient streets. It was an adventure!

I felt adventurous many times during that summer month in Italy in 2007, and I learned a lot about myself.

I would consider many of the things I have done these past several years adventurous. I have always loved the idea of adventure, but I have to make the effort to take chances and to be brave--and not just in traveling to foreign lands. I have learned that I could miss out on way too much if I don't swallow my shyness and just get out there and be brave.

Well, I did make it back to the hotel, and I was happy with myself. I guess if I can fly from Texas to Italy all alone and explore a foreign city all alone, I can pretty much do anything. I wasn't afraid when I walked around Florence by myself that morning, but I was definitely glad to get back to the hotel and relax with a cappuccino.

Double U

We wistfully wait and watch while wondering why we willfully, waywardly, and wretchedly wander the wide way, which wordlessly welcomes the wicked as well as the weary.

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Here is a challenge to anyone who likes words and writing and creating sentences that are maxed out on alliteration - and anyone who just likes doing silly things for no particular reason:

Pick a letter and create a sentence.

Dead Reckoning

I discovered I have been going around in circles! I thought I found something that I had been looking for, but . . .well . . . upon closer inspection, I determined it was something I had already found and discarded the day before.

Quick's the word and sharp's the action!
Beat To Quarters!


Dead Reckoning
–noun Navigation.
1. calculation of one's position on the basis of distance run on various headings since the last precisely observed position, with as accurate allowance as possible being made for wind, currents, compass errors, etc.
2. one's position as so calculated.

Taking Chances

What do you see when you look at this picture?

I took this picture in Urbisaglia, Italia in 2007. I did not go down this path because our class went the other way, but I snapped the picture on a whim as we passed by. We were on our way to see an ancient Roman theatre that man, nature, and time had reduced to grass and broken stones.

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I am glad I did not go down that delightful path because it will always retain an air of mystery. I cannot know its shadowy secrets.

Would it be nonsensical if I likened this path to the path of my life? There is a handrail for when I stumble. The brilliant verdure and a spot of reddish/pinkish color are available to brighten my struggles. Cool shade beckons and offers relief from scorching trials. There is room enough on the path for two to walk together. The way is neither smooth nor predictable . . . just like life.

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I take chances as I journey down that uncharted lane. There is uncertainty ahead, but I am not afraid because I do not walk alone. God paves my path.

What do you see when you look down that path?

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When I Try to Stand Still the Sidewalk Keeps Moving

The poem below, "Ode on a Grecian Urn" by John Keats, has helped me to view the changes that occur in my life in a more positive light. I have always secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) hated the idea of change--I have even lamented positive change just because it was new and different. I know change is inevitable, but that doesn't mean I always have to like it.

What this particular poem reveals to me is that even though I might want some things to stay the same, I shouldn't fear or shun change. I think I am finally able to accept this concept because I have been through a lot of change over many years. I am able to look back and see how important change (both good and bad) has been in my life. Some changes hurt at the time such as the end of a relationship, the end of a job, or loss and sadness of any kind. Some changes are celebrated such as a new relationship, a new job, and a new home. What I have realized is that even the seemingly negative changes have a purpose and often lead to good things or help me grow spiritually and emotionally. Looking back I can see those changes I didn't like at the time as necessary to get to situations and experiences that are good and positive. I can see how many changes can be viewed as transitions.


Case in point: my relationship with Ken. Through adversity and a whole lot of hard times, something beautiful happened! Fifteen years of marriage and counting. Our relationship is strong and wonderful because of every necessary step that brought us together and brought us to this very moment and to all future moments.

Back to the poem. You can see in stanzas 2 and 3 how beautiful it can be when things do not change: no loss, no grief - just anticipation of promised bliss and beauty that never fades. Nothing changes. This sounds so ideal! Well . . . actually . . . I don't think it's ideal at all. How do I know which moment to capture and keep the same for all eternity? What wonderful things would I miss out on if I stood still in one blissful moment? Sure, I have experienced heartache and unhappiness over the years, but O! what brilliant and remarkable things I have experienced also! I have met so many new friends, experienced so many new things, and loved so much! I willingly endure change of all sorts because those changes may lead to something delightful. And what a tragedy it would be if I were to miss anything!


Another case in point: Artemis, my beautiful baby kitty (8/15/1995 - 12/19/2006). I miss her every day. I count her death as a low point and a change I could do without, and I am still unable to think of her death without tears. But how wonderful those 11 years were when she was living in my life. Even though I had to experience the unhappy change at the end of her life, I wouldn't trade those years I did have with her for anything. Despite some sadness that still clings to her memory, I am a better person for knowing her.

I still want to stand still at times, but the world won't let me. I don't really mind too much because I know something fantastic might be just around the corner--even if I must suffer through the unwanted changes to get to it. I also refuse to miss out on something good even though it might lead to unwanted change in the future.

I can't stop change, but I can look at all change as stepping stones laid out to form my life's path.

I challenge you to read the following poem and reflect on its message just as I have done. What does it say to you?
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Ode on a Grecian Urnby John Keats (1820)
1
Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunts about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

2
Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, not ever can those trees be bare;
Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though a winning near the goal - yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

3
Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearied,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

4
Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea shore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.

5
O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty," - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

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Apollo e Dafne by Bernini

H * O * M * E

The word "home" is such a simple, unassuming little word, but the English language uses it in so many interesting ways.

• We can call home, run home, leave home, make it home okay, and come home for the holidays, but we can't go home again.
• We can be bound for home, and we can be homebound.
• We can be stay-at-home moms and dads, and we can work from home.
• Home is where the heart is, and we often believe in home sweet home.
• We can hit a home run and slide into home plate.
• Our goods can be homebaked, and our alcohol can be homebrewed.
• We can buy a home, sell a home, rent a home, design a home, build a home, raze a home, and move in to or out of a home.
• We can make a house a home.
• We can cheer for the home team at the home game, and we can pass notes during homeroom.
• We can foreclose on a home.
• We can have a home security system, but it doesn't always keep out home invaders.
• We have Homeland Security to protect our home turf.
• We can long for home, and we can run away from home.
• We can keep the home fires burning on the home front.
• We can have a homepage, be a homebody, be a homeboy, or just feel like staying home.
• Our homes can be homey or homely, whichever the case may be.
• We can have in-home child care and in-home health care, and we can have home remedies.
• We can shop at Home Depot for home decor, home construction, and home appliances.
• We can work at the home office, and we can have a homebase.
• When we become agèd and infirm, we are often shuffled off to a nursing home or a retirement home.
• We can be a homemaker, study home economics, and prefer things that are homemade, homegrown, and homespun.
• People of yore called their dwellings homesteads, and we often wonder about the homes of the future.
• Homecooking is best, but we love to eat out so we can bring the leftovers home.
• We can be homeschooled or leave home to attend school, but we always have homework.
• We can be homesick, and we can be sick of our home, which usually leads to home improvement.
• We can stage a home, and we can have a starter home.
• We can have a homecoming, and we can be home alone.
• Other places can be our home away from home, but there is no place like home.
• We can sing Home, Home on the Range and Green, Green Grass of Home.
• We can make people feel at home, and we can make ourselves at home.
• We can have a big home, a small home, a first home, a second home, a summer home, a mobile home, and a dream home.
• We can be homeless.
• We have a home planet, a homeland, a home state, and a hometown.
• When we breathe our last, we believe that God is calling us Home.

Dragging My Feet at the Brink of Opportunity

It has begun. It is official. I am a graduate student. I have been propelled once again towards something that exists in my future--I just have not figured out what that something is yet.

This is an important event in my life: grad school. Earning my bachelor's degree last May was an astonishing achievement because attending college was never expected . . . even if it was always secretly hoped for. But earning my master's degree has never been on my radar.

What will I do with this next degree? I am not even sure what I want to do with my bachelor's degree. I want to edit. I want to write. I want to edit what I write. I want to edit what others write. Can I make money at any of this? Some people do, but I am not sure if I have what it takes: fortitude. What a wonderful thing to be blessed with: fortitude. I want some of that! I need some of that so I can get through these next few years of academic challenges. Maybe I already have some fortitude. I had to have at least a little bit to get through my undergraduate years. I think there might be some left over.

I am currently leaning towards teaching college English, but is teaching what I really want to do? I cannot even answer that question with any certainty or surety. I definitely love English--everything about English. I love literature; I love grammar; I love linguistics; I love the English language and its glorious history. Do I have what it takes to pass this love on to other people--or at least offer others the opportunity to delight in the amazing wonderment that is English?

Does all this sound like I am rambling or all over the map? I am. It should not be surprising, however, since my brain is muddled with possibilities, hopes, and fears.

***

I feel inadequate right now, but that may ease as I immerse myself into my graduate work this semester. I hope. I have two semi-short papers to write for next Tuesday and Wednesday, but I am petrified to even begin. Why? I have no idea. I have done these things many times before, so why am I so frightened? I am not an anxious person, but I have anxious moments from time to time. This just happens to be one of those moments. Perchance I fear expectations. The expectations I have for myself and other people's expectations for me are enveloping. The very real horror of failing to live up to these expectations is whittling away at my precious and very meager store of fortitude.

I definitely need encouragement . . . sincere encouragement. I would welcome with open arms some forthright advice and honest feedback on my strengths and, more importantly, my weaknesses. What I do not need are flowery or boilerplate compliments that are said automatically or mechanically. Maybe what I am looking for is a role model or an inspiring example. Maybe I need a double shot of courage. Maybe I just need a massy wallop.

Maybe what I really need is a reason to make that leap.

Psalm 18:31

God's way is unerring; the Lord's promise is tried and true; He is a shield for all who trust in Him.This is truly good news! The Bible is filled with messages of God's promise. What struck me most about this verse is that the Lord's promise is tried and true. This is not only about a future promise that we must wait patiently to receive--God's promise to his people is also ongoing. It has been tried, and it has been found to be true--past, present, and future.

"Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, a world without end. Amen."

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But the promise comes with a response from us: trust. We must trust in Him. O! this is so much easier said than done! I have found it incredibly easy to say, "Lord, I trust you." But how often do I follow these words with worry and indecisiveness? Is this how I am supposed to receive God's promise or His protection . . . with distrust? Of course not! I say the words, but do my actions prove it? Not always. I often say one thing and do or feel another.

Our words of trust and faith are meaningless if our actions prove otherwise.

***

I resolve to trust in God and His promise, and I will show Him my trust through my thoughts and my words and within my heart.

My outward actions should reflect that level of trust and faith in Him that I exhibit in my thoughts, my words, and my heart. I can be physically reminded of my resolve when I hear the Gospel at Mass as I trace the cross on my forehead, my lips, and my breast--and then go forth to do God's Will with my entire body filled with trust in Him. All three must work together: thoughts, words, and heart. It is not enough to just speak the words.

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This verse is translated differently in other Bibles, and it may also be numbered as verse 30. I find the New American Bible translation, however, to be incredibly meaningful and beautiful--for my own edification.
http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/

Maladroitness on a Domestic Level

I cut my left forefinger yesterday while I was fixing my lunch. I sliced it pretty badly, and it looks quite gruesome. Poor Ken caught a glimpse of it this morning while I was changing the bloody bandage--he got a little weak in the knees. The slice looks like a bass clef, which is appropriate since it's on my left hand. No sense in doing things backwards.

• How do we know when something is too serious to take care of it ourselves?
• How do we know when we should admit we need help?
• How do we know when we are being brave or just plain stupid?

I figure since I didn't cut down towards the bone it couldn't be that bad...could it? I had a devil of a time trying to stem the flow of blood though--even overnight, but it has since stopped bleeding. I'm hoping it looks worse than it is. Ken keeps saying to go get it looked at. No, I'll take care of it myself.

Am I right in thinking this injury is not too serious? I really only fear an infection, but thankfully God has blessed me with good health and a shipshape immune system--and the prudence to acquire first aid skills. That should be enough.

***

How can the human body be so strong yet so fragile? Our skin takes such a beating every day and in so many ways. Why do I have to add to my poor skin's daily trials and tribulations with such clumsiness?

I think I'll stay away from the knives for a while.

Epiphany

Like the Magi I am a seeker of the truth. And like the Magi I bring all I have to give to the feet of Jesus. May God accept my humble gifts, and may He bring me into His light.

A New Day, A New Year, A New Hope

Here it is! 2009. I went to Mass this morning--not because of New Year's Day but because it's a Holy Day of Obligation. Mary is definitely a good role model. I want to focus more on her life this year. I want to look at her and what her life was like . . . and what her role and her participation in that role was and still is--the Mother of God! And what does it all mean to me? Mary was a strong and faithful woman, and I admire her. She had courage. I think I can draw on her courage and her faith and her hope.

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Ken's toe got bad again. It was much better over Christmas. How were we to know he was supposed to wear that 'boot' until his appointment on the 30th? Wearing a shoe after his toe was much better was obviously a mistake. Unfortunately, the doctor must have thought we could read his mind because his instructions didn't say not to wear a shoe until the next appointment. Well, it's infected again. This is serious stuff. You just can't mess around with diabetes. Ken's wearing the boot faithfully now--until his next appointment on the 8th. The toe definitely looks a lot better already (thank God!). Keep doing your thing antibiotics! We don't really want to talk about what could happen if it doesn't get better or gets bad again. The doctor already scared the you-know-what out of Ken the other day, so there's no point in dwelling on the negative. Only positive thoughts allowed!

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This year will bring about a surge in my faith; I can feel it already. My heart and mind are filled with God's Word and God's Love. I heard this morning in church that it's important to thank God not just for the blessings He has already given us but for future blessings as well. In other words, have faith and expect His blessings because they will come. There is no room for doubt! I plan to thank God for what He has done and for what He will do. I have faith in everything God does for me before any of it even happens because I know it is all according to His Will (even if it sometimes doesn't agree with what I want or expect or think I need - maybe like Mary when she said "yes" after hearing Gabriel's message? hmmm). How exciting! This morning I thanked God for healing Ken's toe. That doesn't mean we won't do our part in the healing process--or that everything will turn out exactly as we want, but it feels good knowing God is always with us and continually blessing us...in His time and in His way.

The expectation of God's blessings--and not just recognizing them after the fact--is exhilarating. I think knowing that God will be faithful and will always be there makes me more aware of what He is doing in my life right now, every day. It's one thing to say God is always there because that's what we read in the Bible, but it's another thing to know it and expect it. Alleluia!

I know, however, that whatever happens, I can find strength and comfort in His love and His Will. I know God is there for me . . . always.