Dragging My Feet at the Brink of Opportunity

It has begun. It is official. I am a graduate student. I have been propelled once again towards something that exists in my future--I just have not figured out what that something is yet.

This is an important event in my life: grad school. Earning my bachelor's degree last May was an astonishing achievement because attending college was never expected . . . even if it was always secretly hoped for. But earning my master's degree has never been on my radar.

What will I do with this next degree? I am not even sure what I want to do with my bachelor's degree. I want to edit. I want to write. I want to edit what I write. I want to edit what others write. Can I make money at any of this? Some people do, but I am not sure if I have what it takes: fortitude. What a wonderful thing to be blessed with: fortitude. I want some of that! I need some of that so I can get through these next few years of academic challenges. Maybe I already have some fortitude. I had to have at least a little bit to get through my undergraduate years. I think there might be some left over.

I am currently leaning towards teaching college English, but is teaching what I really want to do? I cannot even answer that question with any certainty or surety. I definitely love English--everything about English. I love literature; I love grammar; I love linguistics; I love the English language and its glorious history. Do I have what it takes to pass this love on to other people--or at least offer others the opportunity to delight in the amazing wonderment that is English?

Does all this sound like I am rambling or all over the map? I am. It should not be surprising, however, since my brain is muddled with possibilities, hopes, and fears.

***

I feel inadequate right now, but that may ease as I immerse myself into my graduate work this semester. I hope. I have two semi-short papers to write for next Tuesday and Wednesday, but I am petrified to even begin. Why? I have no idea. I have done these things many times before, so why am I so frightened? I am not an anxious person, but I have anxious moments from time to time. This just happens to be one of those moments. Perchance I fear expectations. The expectations I have for myself and other people's expectations for me are enveloping. The very real horror of failing to live up to these expectations is whittling away at my precious and very meager store of fortitude.

I definitely need encouragement . . . sincere encouragement. I would welcome with open arms some forthright advice and honest feedback on my strengths and, more importantly, my weaknesses. What I do not need are flowery or boilerplate compliments that are said automatically or mechanically. Maybe what I am looking for is a role model or an inspiring example. Maybe I need a double shot of courage. Maybe I just need a massy wallop.

Maybe what I really need is a reason to make that leap.