The Truth Hurts

So I was insulted not too long ago--by my own husband no less. So what else is new you ask? Of course Ken insults me all the time--in jest of course...I'm sure. They are those "I love you therefore I must make fun of you and say mean things to you" kinds of insults. I don't mind them at all, really. I give them back just as easily, and we have a fun time laughing and joking until our sides hurt. No, I'm not being sarcastic. It really is like that (well maybe not the laughing hysterically part). If Ken ever stopped making fun of me, I would start to worry.

Well, the insult I refer to, the one that kind of stung, was said a few months ago. I laughed it off at the time of course, but it set me to thinking. Maybe this one is true. What did Ken say? Well, let me start by saying I did really well in school. The last five years in college have been fun, exciting, and chock full of As in every class. After the first couple of semesters of straight As, we both looked at each other in amazement. Cool. The grades at the end of each semester became commonplace and predictable--to everyone but me. It seemed that no one knew how agonizing it was for me to wait for final grades to be posted. Everyone said, "of course you made all As. Duh." I just wanted to shout, "Stop it! Those As didn't just fall in my lap you know! I worked hard for them!" The pressure I was inflicting upon myself was suffocating and building to a fevered pitch. I couldn't do it! Why was it so important to me? I didn't start out with this goal. Who really cares anyway? I wasn't like that in high school.

As time went on, my own private thoughts were filled with the exciting possibility that I could actually pull off a perfect 4.0 gpa. Ken would be amazed and astonished and oh so very proud of me! I know getting all As isn't such a big deal to most people, but to me it could sort of make up for the failures and unfinished things peppering my past. Could I actually finish something AND do it well at the same time? After each semester, all signs pointed to yes! So I graduated with a 4.0. The euphoria didn't last too long, but I'm still proud of my overall accomplishment of doing so well and just graduating in general.

The insult came not long after graduation. I can't remember why we were even talking about me and my recent accomplishment. Ken said, "You made all As because you studied all the time, not because you're smart." Ouch.

A joke of course . . . or was it? My long-time companion, self-doubt, was giggling. I have become quite adept at banishing that ugly friend to the nether regions of my heart. Every once in a while it peeks through with hopeful eyes--then I box its ears and shout, "Out Vile Jelly!" Those threats aren't working too well lately. Go away and leave me alone.

So grad school in the spring. Here we go again.
*sigh*