Writing at the End of the Tunnel

I think I may be over my recent disinterest and sinking enthusiasm for writing school papers. Blogging has helped because it gets my fingers typing and my brain burning. I like to write--there is no question about that. I know I am not that great of a writer, but I do not mind. I can accept my writing as mediocre or unwanted or whatever. Why? Because I do not write to emulate the current literary canon or to please people who are unable to see past their culturally-injected expectations of what is considered 'good' writing. I write for myself, even school papers. I have no problem with people who choose to write within the confines of the acceptable theoretical school of thought merely because it is the 'in' thing to do. That is who they are, and that is respectable. But that is not who I am. I like to avoid lacing my writing with the approved buzzwords or the popular-analytical-theory-of-the-day. I have dabbled in that kind of writing, and it did not work very well for me. I am long over my envy of others who find comfort in that kind of writing--and who excel in that kind of writing. I am not saying I dislike structure or rules in writing. I am in love with proper English grammar, which is nothing but rules. What I dislike is trotting along with the herd coughing up paper after paper after paper that do not reflect me or my interests or my style. I am not a printing press. When I read a book for school knowing I must write a paper, I find something that interests me, and I write about it. Not too complicated, huh? I do not automatically say, "Wow! That is so feminist or postcolonial or . . . " You get the idea. It is okay for people to say this, but I do not say it, and that is okay, too.

Do not misunderstand, gentle reader! I enjoy poring over other people's writing, especially when it is very different than my own. I am fully aware that my writing is not interesting to everyone, and I do not consider my writing to be groundbreaking. On the other hand, I do not feel my writing is tumbled out like so many tins of predictably sweet peaches. When writing school papers, I am okay with having a minority view or even a view that simply skims the surface. I do not always feel the brain busting urge to find the earth's fiery core in everything I read. If a concept, view, or idea smacks me in the face or brushes me softly while I am reading, I grasp it firmly and write about it. I do not hesitate and ask myself, "Does this topic sound safe or acceptable? Will this idea thoroughly impress whoever is lucky enough to read it? Can I fit this topic into a desirable mold and fling it at my professor with confidence?" Oh no, I do not say that. I say, "I like this idea. It may be boring or non-theoretical, but I like it." And sometimes a professor seems to like what I write also--and not always because my papers are grammatically correct. I had a professor write on two of my papers that I am perceptive and that my papers are well written. Encouraging, but I had trouble embracing the compliments (I do not do compliments in general very well).

A few weeks ago I noticed I was the only one in my class who found something positive to write about Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot. Our professor likes to bully us into revealing our thesis that is typically stamped for professor's eyes only. I happily heralded my glass half full thesis, and I was rewarded with odd looks and some snickering. I did see the negative in the play, but I chose to focus on a positive little nugget tucked away amongst the dismal fallout of anti-Christianity and nihilism. Okay? For Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart, I wrote about the very straightforward anthropological topic of rites of passage. Boring? Not to a wannabe anthropologist like me. Like I said, I write about what interests me. This does not mean I am unique or different or special. This means I feel comfortable with my thoughts, ideas, and voice. I like what I write--not because it is brilliant, but because it is mine.

No, I am not necessarily angry about the mainstream school paper mill. No, I did not make a bad grade on a paper. I am slowly realizing that my writing (especially for school) deviates a little bit from the norm. I listen to other people's topics, and I question my own simple or non-conforming ideas. Some people's ideas seem so complicated or deep or theoretical. I do not like questioning my writing or my ability to churn out a 'good' paper. So . . . I have taken a long, critical look at what I write and how I write, and guess what? I like it. All writing has the potential to be good--including mine.

I want to write, and by golly that is exactly what I am going to do!